Yes, yes, I know….I missed posting yesterday. Off to a roaring start on this month of writing!!!

Actually, I have a very good reason for not writing yesterday.  Yesterday was the day we celebrated Madeleine as a family. We had Steve’s folks over and one of his brothers with his wife and kids. It was a wonderful time focused on a baby (not so much!) girl.

She was rather taken with all the attention.

And we were rather taken with her.  She laughed and charmed us and we responded in kind.

Today, though, I was caught by the moments of simply being with her. The moments of rocking her quietly, of watching her when she is still. The moments when she is at peace just being with us.

Yep. those kind of moments. When there is no performing, just being.

I spent some time reading today, A Train In Winter. This is one of those books you have to read slowly and carefully. It is not meant to be sped through, and honestly it does not grab you from the start. It is, however, a remarkable story of friendship and of resistance and of courage.

It is, in other words, a deep story. I found that I have to read it in quiet moments when I can soak the story in.

Some things are not meant to be experienced in frivolity or distraction.  Birthday celebrations are meant to be joyful and loud and frivolous.

The wonder of holding your baby should have moments of quiet and clarity to let the wonder seep in to who we are.

Deep things come quietly.  They sneak up on us a bit, when we are still enough to pay attention.

I know I need to be still more often…and hopefully this time of writing will aid that pursuit. We shall see, for now….off to rock a baby and contemplate courage and friendship.

Blessings on you as you settle in for the night….

Did you know that November is National Novel Writing Month? NaNo?

Yes, I know it is not November.
November is generally a pretty busy month around our household. There’s a birthday, Thanksgiving and planning for Christmas.

June, however, has none of those distractions. June is summertime. June has only one wedding anniversary and no birthdays and no National Holidays.

June would be a great month to write a novel.

If I wanted to write a novel. Which I don’t. Or, more clearly….I have no idea what I would write about if I were to write a novel.  My friend Anna Howard has actually written a novel, which is about to come out…so I offer that as something to read.

I, on the other hand, thought I might take June to be….Local Blog Revival Month.  LoBloRe.  Yeah, doesn’t have the same ring to it, I know.

I am going to try to write each day in June. Sometimes it may be simply a post like today….a rambling talk about something I could tell you in one sentence. It’s the fun of writing, though, and I need to begin again.

I have always been fascinated by how my mind works when I begin to write. Whether on the computer or with pen and paper, I have loved even the feel of writing. The feel of typing or of writing on paper…it calms me.

There are times when I find I am not able to pray in my mind or outloud, but I am able to pray in writing…it brings focus and clarity for me. I am able to work things out on paper better than simply in my mind. This has been true for as long as I can remember.

So, for June, I’m hoping to write something every day in here. I’d love it if you came along and added to the thoughts. Some days I’m sure it will be little more than a Facebook status or Twitter update…some days, hopefully, the mind will be loosened to think more deeply.

Well, today is a rather important day.  It’s funny…I am still very much where I was in the last post, dealing with a melancholy sense of sentimentality. However. Today is not the day to write about that.

Today is the day to celebrate Madeleine Jane Wolfe.

She is one today!

We had her dedicated last weekend, have spent this week planning things in pink to celebrate her life, and generally are still completely enamored with her.

She has just begun to stand on her own…and I know it is a matter of moments rather than weeks before she will begin to walk.  Then to talk.  Then to become more and more her own person.

For the last year she has enchanted us. She was a surprise, and one of God’s best for us so far.  She has brought joy into this home we didn’t know we were missing.  I know there are things I will always wish I had done for her, things I will wish I did differently….but for today all of that is set aside to simply watch her be. She explores, laughs and cries, talks her jibberish and simply is in the moment. I think there’s a bit to learn from her.

So incredibly thankful for this little one.  

Happy Birthday Madeleine Jane!

Sometimes I am surprised by the things that move me. The things that stir my heart and bring emotions to the front that I didn’t expect.

Tonight I’ve been ironing a giant pile of school shirts preparing for the consignment sale tomorrow. I’m selling all the shirts because the boys will not be going back to school in the Fall. They’ll be staying with me. At home. You know, homeschooling.

I’m watching television as I iron the shirts and I grab a random one from the pile. It is a blue oxford with the school patch on the pocket and it unleashed a flood of memories, from the first trip to the uniform store to taking Zachary to his first day of kindergarten. It brought this little boy back to my mind’s eye…

That was five years ago, almost six. I couldn’t part with that first uniform shirt…it goes to the stack of things I can’t quite let go of yet. It was the beginning of school days, the beginning of growing up, the beginning of adventure and friends and stories in the car on the way home of all that happened at school.

I find myself with such a mixture of feelings, the result of ironing. Melancholy feelings as I think of all that has passed in the last five years….wanting to hold on to those memories and not let go. Feelings of guilt that I am bringing the boys “school” experience to a halt and changing what will happen as we move forward. Still, excitement about the new adventure of homeschooling.

Just as something like a child’s uniform shirt can stir a flood of memories, I am aware that I am quick to second-guess myself. I am quick to question if the path we are moving on is correct. I’m quick to wonder if I’m doing this thing….life…correctly.

In those moments, when memories mix with anxiety or guilt or regret or fear or even joy and wonder, I realize that I am in danger of missing out on the joy of what God is doing in this moment. The things that have gone by are like the picture above of Zachary…they stir emotions because this little boy has captured my heart and continues to do so. They stir me because they remind me how quickly life goes by, I know that in the blink of an eye I’ll be looking back at pictures of Maddie and wonder where the time went.

The time snuck away while I was wondering if I was doing things correctly.  It snuck by me while I was analyzing the past and anticipating the future.

“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.” Matt 6:34

Breathe.

God is here, in this moment between moments. All that has gone before is done, and is there to reflect upon, but not to regret or worry about. All that is to come will come in its own time and while I can prepare I cannot dictate what will come.

I can breathe, I can be still and know that God is God. That there is a Sovereign One who holds it all together.

I can rest. I can enjoy the life that has brought me to this point and I can rejoice in three laughing, healthy, wonder-filled boys who will start a new adventure with me in a few months. And one little girl who captures us all continually.

We can plan, and we can hope and we can prepare…but ultimately we have to trust that God is leading us and stirring our desires and our hopes. It is okay to be moved by our lives, and to reflect with deep emotions, but then we can come back to the moment we are in and be wholly here. We can rest and enjoy the moment. We can trust that we are held by One who knows the beginning and the end…and that gives us much freedom.