We are three full days into the school year of 2013-2014. So far, things are going quite well, thank you for asking.

Really. We’ve been up on time, including myself. That in itself is an achievement. I am not a morning person. I’ve been up, been able to have some reading time and coffee before everyone else is up.

I’m prepared for the most part.

I have been able to flesh out the ideas I had for a Bible curriculum and I am seeing my kids understand things already in these first three days which they had never thought of before. That excites me.

One thing has already happened a few times, and it has frustrated me greatly. It has happened with all three children.

“I can’t do this!”

“Yes. You can.”

“No!”  This is usually followed by varying degrees of hanging one’s head, sighing, shrugging of shoulders.  “I just can’t!”

Three days in to the school year. We have already faced overwhelming material in Math and English which has forced us to rest our head upon the table in despair. We have even had a couple tears already.

This is so high on the list of things I would like to avoid in homeschool, and yet it seems to be so completely unavoidable. I will say I react better than before and we move beyond the moment more quickly. Still, I want my kids to think of themselves in terms of being able to achieve rather than being defeated before they even begin.

Not very long ago, maybe it has been three years…maybe four…Sammy used to come in from being outside with his face all sweaty and red and his hair flying around. His eyes would be wide with wonder and he would say:

“I wish I could go to the store and buy some wings. I would strap them to my back and I would run out in the street and I would fly just like the birds.”

I could believe that he would be able to fly if I could just get him those wings….the wonder and the enthusiasm was so right-there. He knew he could do it.

Now a math problem leaves him in a puddle. Usually because he saw an older sibling in a puddle a little earlier.

So. I want to establish the rule of not being able to say “I can’t.”  I wonder if I’ll sound legalistic and boring to the kids, and yet I wonder if they’ll get a little of the concept…they can do so many remarkable things. No, they cannot do anything they want to. There are limitations, but they can do remarkable things.

They can figure out the math problem. They can figure out their homework. They can do so much more.

I want them back to running in with sweaty faces and eyes wide with wonder imagining what they could do if just given the opportunity…rather than thinking they just can’t. That is one of my goals and one for this school year.

I just…….can.

I’m not ready.

I like the lazy schedule of summer. I like the easiness of the schedule and being able to sleep in and let the boys relax and do as they please.

I want to begin with learning. I am excited about starting the school process. I am excited about beginning to open the books and I am excited about what we will discover. I have learned some last year and my expectations are more in place with reality.

I do not expect to do great crafts daily, or to follow pinterest, or to sing in harmonies each morning around a pancakes that look like smiley faces.

I would love to do those things, but I know my limitations. And I know my kids.

I do hope to learn.  I hope that I am able to establish an environment that brings peace and creativity and that in some way establishes hope and wonder.

I’m not completely sure how that will happen, or how to facilitate that, but I know that that is my hope.  I know that that is my desire…that my desire is they do not dread the beginning of school as the ending of the bliss of summer.

I desire that they learn to love learning and that they see it as the discovering of wonder and they see it as discovering the imprint of the Creator on the world around them rather than the drudgery of memorizing facts and necessities for getting by in life.

I know that I have to love the wonder and the imprint of the Creator in order for them to see it. I know that I have to wake up with a hint of that awareness and I have to allow myself the freedom to be the person He has created me to be rather than trying to force something. I am not a crafty person, and I am not good at some things I wish I were.

I love learning though.

So, on this Monday morning, with school about begin, there is a peace that settles in as I realize the expectations are simply this: we will learn. God will be present and He knows the desire of my heart is simply that my children know Him and know how amazing this creation is.  My desire is that they be filled with wonder and filled with hope…and I cannot do that, but He can.

There is the release.

Mondays do not have to be dreaded.  Prepared for, yes. I have to be diligent in my work and in my preparation. The environment has to be set and the material provided. The work of the heart is up to the Spirit, though, and I think this is part of what I hope for in homeschool.

It is also what is amazing about some of the teachers I have known in private and public schools. They have instilled this love of learning in a multitude of students, and I am the fruit of their labors.  I have no idea how this will end with my children, but the end is not up to me. And there is freedom in that. The work is up to me. The labor is up to me…but the fruit is truly in God’s hands.

So, Monday, Monday.  I’m ready for ya.

“From all that I said about our worried, overfilled lives, it is clear that we are usually surrounded by so much outer noise that it is hard to truly hear our God when he is speaking to us. We have often become deaf, unable to know when God calls us and unable to understand in which direction he calls us.

Thus our lives have become absurd. In the word absurd we find the Latin word surdus, which means “deaf”. A spiritual life requires discipline because we need to learn to listen to God, who constantly speaks but whom we seldom hear.

When, however, we learn to listen, our lives become obedient lives. The word obedient comes from the Latin word audire, which means “listening.” A spiritual discipline is necessary in order to move slowly from an absurd to an obedient life, from a life filled with noisy worries to a life in which there is some free inner space where we can listen to our god and follow his guidance. 

Jesus’ life was a life of obedience. He was always listening to the Father, always attentive to his voice, always alert for his directions. Jesus was “all ear.” That is true prayer: being all ear for God. The core of all prayer is indeed listening, obediently standing in the presence of God.”  – Henri Nouwen

Sunday evenings always find me slightly agitated. I feel as though I need to put things in order for the coming week, and yet I also don’t want the weekend to end. I want to be able to think more about what I heard on Sunday morning. I want to take more in and be able to soak just a little longer in what Sunday is…but Monday is sneaking up on me.

I’ve said in the last few posts that I am not the most disciplined person, and Nouwen talks about how if we are not disciplined our lives are absurd…they are so noisy we have become deaf. Sometimes for me, when things become so noisy like that it is difficult to put them back in order.

That agitation is creeping in and I just want to stamp my feet and be mad, rather than be obedient and listen.

Sometimes it helps to have something specific to put things in order. Something to focus upon that helps to quiet the noise.

Prayer requests help that sometimes. Draw us out of the noise of our own cluttered lives and help to focus. Or, if we need the support of those around us, they help us to know that we are part of the family of believers and there are others who are supporting us in prayer.

My friend Michael had a blog, and I am confident that it will be back soon, where he weekly posted prayers and drew us in as a community to pray with one another. I’m hosting that here until he is back up and running. There are folks from that blog, Phoenix Preacher, posting here, mixed with other friends from other places. I like that. A lot.

Post if you have a need. Post if you see a need…encourage someone in their need and let them know you are praying.

Focus a little.  Quiet the noise.

Discipline.

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”

F. Buechner

Yes, I know I wrote a little about this the other day, but I need to say it again for my own good. I am not a very disciplined person.  I start things well and then fade out. Diets. Exercise. Reading programs.

Or I procrastinate and stay up all night and finish right before deadlines. Ask all my college suite mates.

This does not set me up well as a home school mom. A home school mom with a FaceBook account. I am too easily distracted.

I have been telling the boys that when we begin school next week it will be time to turn off our tech time. During the summer we have been lazy about it, but when school begins we will go back to limiting the time and there are already moans of dissatisfaction. Mostly from the oldest who has games that require certain resets at certain times.

I don’t like life being dictated by games.

And yet, I find myself checking in on my own “tech” driven devices all the time. I find my life dictated by those things often. And I find that I lack discipline in shutting them down when I need to. So, I thought about shutting down FaceBook altogether for the school year, disabling the account so it wouldn’t be a temptation.

That is just silly, though. That means that I am so weak-willed I have to toss the thing instead of being disciplined enough to ignore it when I need to, and that is just sad. And it sends a bad example to the boys.  And honestly, I love the connection to friends and finding out about babies and kids and goofy things.  There are moments when it helps me see life and connects me to articles like this  and this which make me think. Of course there are things I see my friends doing which inspire me to do similar activities with my kids, or which at least get me thinking about new ways to approach life with family.

So, no, I’m not going to de-activate my FaceBook. I’m going to grow up a little and turn it off. I’m going to listen to my life a little more and pay attention and follow the same rules I’ve set for the kids. I’m going to read more and type less. Scroll through the gossip faster and find the things that inspire me, or the people who need a word of encouragement or prayer.

Here’s the thing, there is no shortage of information around us. No shortage of distraction. I remember, and I know I’ve mentioned this before, reading Thomas Merton in one of his books on solitude. In a letter someone told him basically that it would be easy to seek God in a setting like Merton’s where there were not distractions, and Merton responded that if we cannot find silence and solitude in the room with the television we will go crazy in the cabin in the woods. When all the outside distractions are taken away we will be overcome by the distractions within.

We have to learn to listen to our lives, to listen to God. Simply to listen. We have to be disciplined. There is no short cut. There is no way around it. We have to grow up a little. We can groan and express our dissatisfaction at moving from the lazy pace of summer to the structure of school, but we still have to do it.

What to do? Turn off the noise and the distraction and focus our attention. Listen and hear.

Look and see.

Pay attention.

Be still and know.

Don’t just let it all happen around us, whether in the classroom or at home or at the workplace. Pay attention. Seek out that which inspires and stirs us and awakens us and draws us closer to God. We have to be intentional.

So…the shift is happening. A little FaceBook. A little X-Box for the kids. A whole lotta reading for me and the kids, and a disciplined paying attention. What will we see this year?