The last couple weeks have been strange. I mentioned the other day that I have felt more emotional…felt this need to weep coming on at moments. I’ve been more down than normal, and it has affected the days. The boys have noticed and have been frustrated because I have been more short with them.
I was called out on something and I had to walk away because they were right and I knew if I started talking with them I would just begin crying.
I don’t do that. I usually am not that emotional. Ever, really.
I realized, though, in the midst of this that there are more times than not that I am negative or that I see the challenges rather than the blessing. There are more times that I am aware of the brokenness and the suffering and the challenges around us than the hope…although I strive to seek the hope and the wonder. Sometimes I don’t verbalize the negative, but it is there with me.
When I was rocking Maddie last night, which tends to be my best time for thinking, I thought that I am stuck in that upper room the time after Jesus was crucified and before His resurrection. That time when they did not understand, when they wondered what would happen to them and when they wondered if the suffering and the challenges had been worth the cost.
The world is still broken and although we have the hope of and the knowledge of the Resurrection…I don’t always grasp the reality of the Resurrection. That moment when the hope came into fruition and stood before the disciples and confirmed that the suffering and the cost was worth it.
Sometimes I am stuck in the waiting moment. The austerity of Lent and the discipline of facing toward Jerusalem can be exhausting. The reality of the brokenness and the cost of what it will take to heal that condition. Sometimes I find myself just putting one foot in front of another and staring at the ground…when I should be walking with the awareness of the Resurrection.
I need this rhythm of Lent and Good Friday and Easter each year…the discipline of remembering the cost, the silence of Good Friday and taking in the sacrifice….and the joyous celebration of Easter. The shouts of joy and the music and the celebration and the release from the waiting.
Hope. But not just a vague hope that is unknown…Hope placed in a reality that is difficult to get my head around. I have to learn to watch that door while in the Upper Room…waiting for Him to walk through. Trusting that He will. Remembering all the times that He did what He said. I need to not get stuck in the waiting.
It’s okay sometimes to feel the weight of the brokenness and to long for heaven. I think that is good, actually…Paul understood that well. Things did not become easy after Jesus’ Resurrection, but they changed. The hope is more secure and the cost is seen in light of the victory. I have to live in that balance…not just in the upper room waiting and wondering.
Very good, Sarah. Just what I needed first thing in the morning with my coffee!
Oh Sarah….great observation. We choose to follow Jesus and it inevitably leads to unexpected doubt and suffering and sometimes anguish. You have chosen the better thing and you are in fellowship with Jesus. Amen to your choices and your journey. Your family is better for it. Pray, please friend, that I would make the right choices for my family, too.
Praying for you, fme…so good to see your flower here.
It’s funny, I told Kim, our pastor’s wife and curate at the church, that I had posted this. I felt a little like I had to apologize because it sounded somewhat negative to say I had been in a funk basically since the women’s retreat on joy. She corrected me that actually this was exactly what we had talked about….joy is built on that foundation of hope, and a secure hope at that, which sustains in the midst of the times of darkness.
Joy is not weak. There’s another post in there….I always think of the C.S. Lewis quotation about Joy being the Serious Business of heaven.
At any rate, thank you for your kind comments, and your encouragement…praying for you and your family.
Good thoughts, Sarah!!
Thanks, Jim! Thanks for coming by!!
Sarah, this is profound and beautiful! I love your thought on the rhythm of lent, Good Friday and Easter. Thank you for your transparency. You are a blessing!
Thanks so much, Kevin…so good to see your Cap’n here!