I am aware that I have not written for almost a month. The fact is, I have not been able to bring together my thoughts clearly, at least not in a way to write on a blog.
Since the last article I’ve prayed deeply for a little baby waiting on a heart. Waiting on another to not survive, so that little Andrew might. What a terrible ache both parents must feel…and what a piercing example of the brokenness of our world. He did receive his heart and he is recovering. And his eyes still capture my attention.
He has been the reason I pop on FaceBook, breaking my fast. To check and see if he survived another night, another day. Then, when I flew to Albuquerque with Maddie to celebrate the life of my Uncle who had passed away, late at night I saw the post that Andrew was on his way into surgery. Great delight. Great sadness for another family…a nameless family.
So, I did not make it cleanly in my Facebook fast, although I did refrain from posting and commenting other than just a few important moments. The fast showed me something…I’m not sure that I contemplated Jesus as much as I had hoped (although, I did contemplate more than I have in recent months)…I realized how much I had been caught up in thinking of activity in light of how it can be shared.
Hmmm…I should share this on FaceBook. I wonder how I could word this to be witty or sincere or somber….how can I condense the important things of the moment into a blurb that grabs attention.
It actually took me a few days, even weeks, to get out of that mindset. I am not avidly on FB, but I’m on a fair bit, and I was a little taken aback that I had stepped into that type of thinking. There is more there that I want to think about…but not today.
Today is Maundy Thursday. Lent is almost over. Passion week is coming to its climax.
I almost missed it.
Even with fasting and thinking and reading and contemplating and waiting….I was startled today that it is Maundy Thursday.
The disciples are about to celebrate the first Lord’s Supper. To hear the news that one will betray. To walk the path with Jesus to the cross.
To deny Him.
To see Him beaten.
To hear the crowd cry Crucify.
To see Him die.
It’s now. All the rambling about Lent, all the discussions about whether fasting is worthwhile or self-righteous…it is time to be quiet.
The moment eternity hinges on is upon us. That is staggering. It should make our hearts race a bit.
The Savior of the world. The Creator of the world. The baby has grown, His hands are calloused, His feet have walked miles, His mouth has spoken wisdom and compassion. His moment has come.
I almost missed it. This has been a hectic week, and although FaceBook has not been a distraction much…life has.
I want to whisper….I want to be quiet….I want to listen.
I want to listen to what they are saying at the table….I want to hear their confusion as Jesus says one will betray Him. The confusion as He washes their feet. The confusion as the guards come to the garden.
All the preparation of fasting and thinking….it’s about to explode in the celebration and the remembrance and the moment of everything changing.
The Son of God on a cross. The Chosen One. He changes everything.
Here is the source of every sacrament,
The all-transforming presence of the Lord,
Replenishing our every element
Remaking us in his creative Word.
For here the earth herself gives bread and wine,
The air delights to bear his Spirit’s speech,
The fire dances where the candles shine,
The waters cleanse us with His gentle touch.
And here He shows the full extent of love
To us whose love is always incomplete,
In vain we search the heavens high above,
The God of love is kneeling at our feet.
Though we betray Him, though it is the night.
He meets us here and loves us into light.
Malcolm Guite
The Small Rain 
I was thinking the other day that, in many ways, Facebook has become a series of headlines about our lives. I said to my husband, it would be interesting if we could read the “articles” that each headline is describing. I think you’ve captured this idea very well in your assessment of that pull to think how to share experiences, rather than living them…
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Thanks, Mona….I’ve been thinking about it in regards to the kids as well. My guys aren’t on Facebook yet, but this generation will be so keyed to FB and Twitter and constantly broadcasting their lives. Such a different mindset than we grew up with…it will be interesting.
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I guess this is the end of Lent?? I was faithful in fasting from the two things I had singled out. That was the easy part.
I’ve been up and down during this time emotionally. Discouraged, angry, upbeat, hopeful, and neutral. I was hoping for some sort of breakthrough which seemed out of the realm for me.
Today I had an appointment with my counselor. On my way there I had a panic attack and had to head home. Instead I went to buy something that required some driving and that went well.
In light of that I decided to head back to see my counselor. The drive went well and I got there 40 minutes late. She called her next appointment and they delayed her next session for a half hour so we could meet. Our time went well and I drove home without incident.
I just returned home from Good Friday service. It was unlike any I have attended. It wasn’t a message with an altar call. It was a time for introspection.
We opened with a hymn titled “The Power Of The Cross.”
The service covered five topics. Betrayal. Abandonment. Denial. Physical pain. Spiritual suffering. The pastor shared on each of those topics for a few minutes and after each time he spoke of the five topics we had the opportunity to go forward and take communion as the congregation sang a hymn. Each was very powerful.
As you knelt to take communion there was a spike, a crown of thorns, a rope, and something else that escapes me. We were encouraged to consider them and to handle them as we took communion and prayed.
After the last hymn the lights were turned down and a man sang “Were You There?” It was beautiful.
I went forward during the topic of spiritual suffering as I seem to have been through this often and even today during my time of anxiety. As I took communion the congregation sang “Behold The Lamb.”
I’m not sure I can explain what took place for me as I don’t want to over spiritualize it. I don’t think my anxiety today was happenstance. I thought about the emotional upheaval Jesus experienced not only as He cried out “My God My God why hast thou forsaken me?” I realized He went through much emotional anguish during His last days as He approached the cross.
My journey through Lent ended on a very positive note and I choose to hang on to that. Thank you Sarah for being a voice that encouraged me to journey down a road that I had never considered in the past.
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I’m so glad you wrote, Erunner….I’ve been much like you with the range of emotions through Lent. This past week has been so very busy, it has been hard to focus. We didn’t get the chance to go to our Good Friday service, which was too bad because it is one of our favorite services.
I’m so glad you were able to attend and participate in a service that sounds thoughtful and moving. I don’t think you are over spiritualizing anything…I’m sure that the anxiety was connected, and yes, Jesus understands emotional anguish. Absolutely.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on Lent…I’m looking forward to each year building on our knowledge and our experiences. Especially with my kiddos…being able to teach them about this journey. It has been worthwhile for me as well….not done perfectly, but worthwhile and God opened my eyes to things along the way that I think I would have missed if I had not been quieting myself to pay attention.
Happy Easter, my friend!
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